Monogamy Isn’t Owed To You: Accepting the “Hey Big Head” Text

written by Nilan August 11, 2017

This is the third of a four part series on dealing with Casual Sex. Part Three covers handling the lack monogamy and reciprocation.

Doritos and Emotional Detachment are Relationship Goals

Joanne the Scammer - Two Complicateds

In my many years of singledom and my embracing of the occasional ho tendency, insecurities involving monogamy, jealousy, and being left on “Read” have been non-existent, if not fleeting. Never felt that. Never been through that. I can’t relate.

For me, it’s easy. I can emotionally detach myself from just about anyone and anything then replace it with a purple bag of Doritos and some Cranberry juice on ice. As easy as it is for me, I know it doesn’t come easy for a lot of people when pursuing casual sex, especially when they’ve come from relationships where monogamy and security were often in question.

Now that we’ve talked about getting in the state of mind to participate in a casual sex lifestyle and how to keep yourself sexually protected, let’s move on to keeping yourself emotionally and mentally protected. Here are a few things that may drive you crazy with a serious partner but are typical with your new friend(s) with benefits.

Casual Sex Doesn’t Equal Monogamy

Monogamy - Two Complicateds

In Part 2, Melissa talked about making sure you take your own sexual safety into your own hands by bringing your own condoms. The lack of monogamy in casual sex relations is one of the many reasons to take your safety into your own hands.

With every casual sex partnership, the default thought process should be that your fuckbuddy is fucking more buddies than just you. Even if they say they aren’t, you have to accept the fact that they probably are seeing other people and if it means getting some, they are more than prepared to lie about it.

To be honest, unless they are putting you in physical danger or exposing you to STDs (ain’t that right, Usher?) they don’t owe you the truth. In fact, they don’t really owe you anything.

You Aren’t Owed a Reply

Just as you have to get used to the idea of monogamy, you have to get used to the idea of being left on “Read,” a lot.

Actually, before I even get into this, let me just say something. Being that person who sends a million text in two minutes because someone didn’t reply to your message immediately is trash. Calling someone and going through each of the five stages of grief in their voicemails is trash. It’s not a sign that you’re taking the relationship more seriously. It’s a sign that you are a terrible, controlling, manipulative, and abusive person. It’s not cute.

It’s definitely not cute when you’re freaking out over a booty call. You have to get used to not being a priority for someone. Your fuckbuddies have entire lives that don’t involve you except for a few minutes and a few strokes.

Unless you have prescheduled dick appointment, for those of you participating in sex involving a penis, you shouldn’t be sending more than a “Wyd?” or “Come over.” If there isn’t a reply, either move on to the next buddy on your list, or get some Talenti, turn on Netflix, and watch Family Guy for the tenth time.

Eventually, you’ll get the infamous “Hey big head” text and you can do what you want. Maybe get little revenge and leave them on “read.” If you actually have a big head, maybe take offense and have your feelings hurt. It’s your time to reclaim. The key here is to remain calm and not overreact.

Our Options

A quick fix, but one that requires more work down the line, is sticking to one-night stands. It’s the ultimate No Strings Attached situation. You can pretend you don’t care about monogamy and after you get it in, you never have to worry about talking to them again.

For a long term solution, you can either set a schedule for when you make yourselves available to each other or sit down talk it out. If monogamy is still a huge deal for you, and you have logical reasons to being monogamous, find someone who wants to keep it casual but one-on-one.

You can also treat it like an open relationship, but that can get messy. If you’re already having issues with detaching yourself, this may not be the way to go.

Of course, how you handle your emotions is up to you and results may vary. What works for me may not work for you, but if you find yourself in a sticky situation, I hope you keep some of these tips in mind.

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